Showing posts with label what to say. Show all posts

how much is too much?

Some people are private, choosing not to bare all about themselves or revealing confidences. Others thrive on sharing personal information, sometimes the most intimate facts, and have no problem divulging information that has been entrusted to them.

i once had a friend who would regularly tell me the most intimate details of her sex life with her now ex-husband. i was uncomfortable hearing this, but never said anything to her because, of course, i didn't know what to say.

What do you say to stop someone from saying too much?

when friends divorce

Friends of mine are getting divorced. It is a messy, angry, bitter, hostile, greedy situation. It feels awful watching them disintegrate. i like them both. I am trying to not take sides...I would like to remain friendly with both of them. Yesterday, she told me that I cannot stay neutral. I must choose between them. I'm not sure I can do that. Am I wrong? What can I say to make her understand?

your friend tells you she is leaving her husband -- what do you say?

Readers Advice:

This depends on the situation - ie was her husband cheating on her or abusing her or is she cheating on him? Generally I would say that regardless of why they split I am sorry for the relationship to be ending. What kind of support does she need from me - advice on getting a marriage counselor, babysitting, a good lawyer, support groups. I find in these situations you just have to make sure your friend knows that you are going to provide emotional support.

........it depends who does the separating?????? If the friend left a no goodnik..I would tell her mazel tov. If it was visa versa..... I would say....what a bummer...... let me know what I can do

You let her talk. People in these circumstances just want to know that someone is listening. What you don't say is that you know how she is feeling, because even if you have been through something like this, you don't know how she is feeling.

I'm so sorry to hear about your separation. I'm sure that this is not how you had envisioned your marriage.

In the October 2008 edition of Homemakers Magazine, Blair Lancaster, the executive director of Breast Cancer Support Services in Burlington, Ontario offered this advice on what to say to a friend with breast cancer:

Listen: do not interrupt when she is telling you her story; let her cry if she needs to; give her a hug.
There really is not much to say except that you are sorry this has happened to her. Tell her as well, that you are there to help support her through it.
Don’t say, “what can I do to help?” Instead, offer something tangible such as, “I’m going to come over and do your laundry.” Or, “I’m available to babysit or drive the kids to school.”
Don’t say, “I have read about this great cancer treatment and think you should try it.”
Be open and realistic about what you can and can’t do.
Never underestimate the effect of random encouraging cards.

did i say the right thing?

What an awful month August has been. My friend Rhoda was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her surgery is scheduled for the beginning of September. Out of the blue, my friend Pat’s husband of 28 years told her he didn’t love her anymore and he wanted a divorce. She was devastated. My friend Margie had heart surgery. Fortunately, the procedure went well and she is already out and about and leading a fairly normal life.

So, here I was faced with 3 different situations in which I wanted just the right comforting words or gestures that expressed the compassion and encouragement that I felt in my heart.

I thought about what people have said who have been through trauma and how meaningful it can be to just know that someone cares. I remembered Cindi’s comment on this blog about how people avoided her friend with terminal cancer because they were uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say.

I hugged Rhoda and listened. I call Pat regularly and listen. I try to make Margie laugh. I hope I’ve said and done the right thing.

what do you say - before major surgery

My friend Margie had heart surgery last week and I went to visit her the day before the procedure. Another friend was just leaving and said, “Good luck tomorrow.” That struck me as an unusual thing to say. Luck should have nothing to do with medicine.

But then I wondered, what is the right thing to say to someone heading into major surgery?

what do you say - being called the wrong name

My name is Benita. Not Bonita, Bernita, Brenda, Belinda, Bettina, Breanna or Barbara……BUT…..those are the names that I have been called my entire life. I don’t know if people don’t listen or they just hear what is familiar to them. I say ‘Benita’, they call me ‘Bonita.’ I sign emails or letters ‘Benita’…. I get replies to ‘Bonita.’

The problem is - I never correct them. I don’t want to embarrass them or make them feel uncomfortable. It is awkward for me to set them right, so I say nothing.

What about people who feel entitled to give you nicknames? My son’s name is Alexander. He is called Alex all the time. You introduce yourself as Debra…they call you Debbie.

What do you say to politely tell someone they have called you the wrong name?

what do you say - forgetting someone's name

This has happened to me more often than I would like to admit. I have taken different approaches, depending on my reading of the situation. Generally, I tend to adopt the "honesty is the best policy" approach. I might say something along the lines of “…do you believe I can’t remember your name?!” In other circumstances, I have refocused the conversation to allow the two persons to take over – along the lines of “… have the two of you had the opportunity to introduce yourselves?” I expect that as we age we will face these dilemmas more frequently.

from Elissa

Your friend is dating/marrying a guy you really don't like. What do you say?

Readers advice:

You say very little, until she dumps him. Then, when she tells you that he is a jerk, you agree and tell her that she was too good for him. If you tell her that while they are dating, you risk losing a friend. You don't want to lie, but sometimes it is best to not say how you are really feeling.
SAY NOTHING!! I have been in this situation and as difficult as it has been, I have kept my mouth shut. In both cases I stayed close to my friends so that I could help when the marriage broke down (which it did).
.....Are you sure about this one??!!

What do you say?

You're at a party and talking to someone. You're running out of conversation with this person and want to speak with others. How do you get out of the situation without hurting the person's feelings?

Reflections from Cindi

It does bring to mind one personal story. My best friend in high school and university died of bone cancer in our third year university. She suffered for at least 18 months before that. She was most hurt when people who she considered friends just stopping talking to her because they were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. She and I talked about it a lot and we concluded that saying nothing is not a good plan. No matter how hard it is, its best to say something, anything! I've always remembered that and try and live up to it (of course, its not foolproof and you can imagine why!)

On the other hand, when my Dad passed away, the greatest comfort came from people who (sadly) had already lost a parent. They said little but were just "there" because they intuitively just knew there were no adequate words to describe the grief or adequately provide comfort.

Good for you Benita! You've made me think of things (with a smile) that I haven't thought of in awhile. I am sure the blog is not going to be all about sad events. I look forward to watching your blog.

Cindi

Advice from Katie Couric

Reflecting on the 10th anniversary of her husband's death in Newsweek magazine, Katie wrote:

"Even the word feels clunky and uncomfortable. 'Condolences.' No wonder so many of us are at a loss when dealing with loss. The right words can be such a salve for raw, unabating pain. So why is our biggest goal simply to fill up a note card or piece of stationery with enough words to get the whole exercise over with? The next time you put pen to paper to express your sympathy, focus on a simple story, recollection or a brief encounter, a loving or funny memory. You will find a grateful recipient at the final resting place of that correspondence.”

I don't know what to say

Linda and I were having coffee the other day, chatting about nothing in particular, when she burst into tears. “I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer,” she said. Taken by surprise, I hugged her and mumbled something that I hoped was meaningful. I felt ashamed that I could not say something more appropriate.

We are regularly faced with circumstances – sad, awkward, surprising, complex – and we just don’t know how to respond. Your friend is diagnosed with a serious illness. Your colleague is mourning the loss of someone close. Your sister is separating from her husband. What do you say? What comforting words or gestures will express the concern and empathy that you feel in your heart?

When someone we care about is hurting, our compassion compels us to reach out. Words can have a profound impact. They can reassure. They can console. They can comfort. They can raise spirits. They can make a difference.

But what are those words? Who hasn’t searched for the phrase that perfectly expresses our feelings, and ended up settling for ‘I don’t know what to say.’

What is the right thing to say? Do you have some special words that work for you? Has anyone ever said something to you in a time of crisis that was meaningful?

I am hoping that people will share their stories and advice on how to respond in troubled times.

Find a Way to Always Say the Right Thing in Any Situation - from Wikihow

How to Find a Way to Always Say the Right Thing in Any Situation

Have you been saying things you really shouldn't say lately? Well, get control of your actions by reading this article.

Steps

When you get annoyed with someone.. what do you think you should do? What have you done in the past to someone who got on your last nerves? Well, it depends. Let's say your grandmother was visiting you. So, she got on your nerves maybe once or twice. The smart thing to do is just hold it in for a little while, and then when she leaves, be grateful that whatever you got mad about.. has stopped. If it was your aunt who let's say, lives with you and she kept treating you like trash.. you should politely and calmly say something nice like this, "I need to talk to you about something. I haven't been liking the way you have been treating me for a while now. I think you should treat me a little more respectfully." If you attack her, she will shut down completely, and the chances of having a better relationship with her is over. That is why you have to think twice, or use your common sense before you say something.
When your friend is being very rude with you. We all have had the "mean" friend. We have also messed up and made a mistake with that friend. Well now, you can do the right thing and not mess up. Lets say your friend called you a mean name and said "I am just joking with you." Well, they aren't using their common sense, or they just wanted to say something mean and get away with it. Right then and there defend yourself. Don't watch grass grow, say something like this, "I know you were joking, but that hurt my feelings and I really would like it if you wouldn't joke around like that with me." Then you are giving the signal that you are hurt, and kind of offended.
When your parents or anybody has a very uncomfortable talk with you. There will come a time when somebody tries to talk to you maybe about growing up or dating. I know it can be very uncomfortable, especially with a parent, and most of us blush and try to escape this conversation. We will have questions and sometimes we might be too uncomfortable to even say it. Well, you should always say questions or concerns, but put it in words that will make you less uncomfortable.

Tips

If you hide away from speaking up to somebody, they will just keep doing it for as long as they can. It is important to speak up.. but try to find the best way to say it.
Do not cry if a bully or someone insults you. The best thing to do is actually to ignore them. That is giving them no satisfaction of bothering you, so they will usually quit before you know it. If they don't quit and keep bothering you, talk to a teacher, guidence counselor, volunteer, or even a friend.
Sometimes, people will call you names and send rude messages by texting, talking, or anything. Don't respond. Leave it at that. If they want to be mean that is their problem.

Warnings

If you have nothing nice to say, even if it is a "good comeback", don't say anything. That is just being very mean.

Related wikiHows

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Find a Way to Always Say the Right Thing in Any Situation. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

What to say to someone who is grieving

It is difficult to find the right words to comfort a grief-stricken friend or co-worker. Some things we say with the best intentions can make a grieving friend feel worse. Grief counselor Marta Felber, M.Ed., author of "Grief Expressed: When a Mate Dies" and herself a widow, offers the following "Do's and Don'ts" for conversing with someone who is grieving.

DON'T SAY: "I know how you feel." The person in grief may want to scream, "No, you don't! No one knows how badly I feel!"

DO SAY: "I don't know how you feel, but I care about you and that you are hurting." In this way we validate their feelings.

DON'T SAY: "Just call me if there is anything I can do." People in deep grief can't think straight or focus. They don't know what they need to do.

DO SAY: "Can I get groceries for you or drive you somewhere you need to go?" It's much more useful to offer specific help. Other suggestions: Invite your friend to lunch or dinner, help her with medical or tax forms, or help her go through her loved one's belongings, but only when she is ready.

DON'T SAY: "It will get better." Grieving people know this intellectually, but in their heart they may feel so lost and alone.

DO SAY: "It must be so difficult for you. I am thinking about you, caring, loving you" (or whatever you can sincerely say). Remember to stay in the present, where the grieving person is.

DON'T SAY: "Now, now don't cry." It hurts us to see them cry and makes us sad. But, by telling them not to cry, we are trying to take their grief away.

DO SAY: "Go ahead and cry. It's okay. I'm here." Then sit quietly with them. Hold or touch them. If you feel like doing so, cry with them.

DON'T SAY: "Your loved one is waiting for you over there," "God wanted him," "It was God's will," or "God knows best." Imagine how you would you feel about God after hearing such comments. Be very sensitive. Know the person's faith, and be in touch with your own.

DO SAY: "Feel God's love," or "I will be praying for you," if you sincerely will do this.

Felber urges people to call, visit, send notes or little gifts, or to share activities with the grieving friend. This level of contact may be needed for months

Printed from www.healthatoz.com

Saying the right thing