Not again!!??

Yup - just found out another person I know has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Another incredibly fit and healthy woman. I called her immediately, but again as the phone was ringing I was thinking 'what do you say?' She answered before I could clearly formulate my thoughts.

"I just heard about your breast cancer," I said. "I want you to know that I know and that I am thinking about you."

Although it was news to me, she had already had surgery to remove her breasts. I asked how she was feeling. We talked about some of the decisions she had to make and the difficulty she was having making them. I told her about my friend Diana who had breast cancer a few years ago and undertook extensive research in order to clearly understand her options. Diana (who has fully recovered) has since become actively involved in breast cancer prevention and is an incredible source of information, comfort and optimism. I gave her Diana's phone number and encouraged her to use it. I hope she does.

Did I say the right thing? I certainly hope so. Did I do the right thing? Absolutely!

your friend tells you she is leaving her husband -- what do you say?

Readers Advice:

• This depends on the situation - ie was her husband cheating on her or abusing her or is she cheating on him? Generally I would say that regardless of why they split I am sorry for the relationship to be ending. What kind of support does she need from me - advice on getting a marriage counselor, babysitting, a good lawyer, support groups. I find in these situations you just have to make sure your friend knows that you are going to provide emotional support.

• ........it depends who does the separating?????? If the friend left a no goodnik..I would tell her mazel tov. If it was visa versa..... I would say....what a bummer...... let me know what I can do

• You let her talk. People in these circumstances just want to know that someone is listening. What you don't say is that you know how she is feeling, because even if you have been through something like this, you don't know how she is feeling.

• I'm so sorry to hear about your separation. I'm sure that this is not how you had envisioned your marriage.

In the October 2008 edition of Homemakers Magazine, Blair Lancaster, the executive director of Breast Cancer Support Services in Burlington, Ontario offered this advice on what to say to a friend with breast cancer:

• Listen: do not interrupt when she is telling you her story; let her cry if she needs to; give her a hug.
• There really is not much to say except that you are sorry this has happened to her. Tell her as well, that you are there to help support her through it.
  
• Don’t say, “what can I do to help?” Instead, offer something tangible such as, “I’m going to come over and do your laundry.” Or, “I’m available to babysit or drive the kids to school.”
• Don’t say, “I have read about this great cancer treatment and think you should try it.”
• Be open and realistic about what you can and can’t do.
• Never underestimate the effect of random encouraging cards.

did i say the right thing?

What an awful month August has been. My friend Rhoda was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her surgery is scheduled for the beginning of September. Out of the blue, my friend Pat’s husband of 28 years told her he didn’t love her anymore and he wanted a divorce. She was devastated. My friend Margie had heart surgery. Fortunately, the procedure went well and she is already out and about and leading a fairly normal life.

So, here I was faced with 3 different situations in which I wanted just the right comforting words or gestures that expressed the compassion and encouragement that I felt in my heart.

I thought about what people have said who have been through trauma and how meaningful it can be to just know that someone cares. I remembered Cindi’s comment on this blog about how people avoided her friend with terminal cancer because they were uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say.

I hugged Rhoda and listened. I call Pat regularly and listen. I try to make Margie laugh. I hope I’ve said and done the right thing.

what do you say - before major surgery

My friend Margie had heart surgery last week and I went to visit her the day before the procedure. Another friend was just leaving and said, “Good luck tomorrow.” That struck me as an unusual thing to say. Luck should have nothing to do with medicine.

But then I wondered, what is the right thing to say to someone heading into major surgery?

Reflections from Cindi

It does bring to mind one personal story. My best friend in high school and university died of bone cancer in our third year university. She suffered for at least 18 months before that. She was most hurt when people who she considered friends just stopping talking to her because they were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. She and I talked about it a lot and we concluded that saying nothing is not a good plan. No matter how hard it is, its best to say something, anything! I've always remembered that and try and live up to it (of course, its not foolproof and you can imagine why!)

On the other hand, when my Dad passed away, the greatest comfort came from people who (sadly) had already lost a parent. They said little but were just "there" because they intuitively just knew there were no adequate words to describe the grief or adequately provide comfort.

Good for you Benita! You've made me think of things (with a smile) that I haven't thought of in awhile. I am sure the blog is not going to be all about sad events. I look forward to watching your blog.

Cindi

Advice from Katie Couric

Reflecting on the 10th anniversary of her husband's death in Newsweek magazine, Katie wrote:

"Even the word feels clunky and uncomfortable. 'Condolences.' No wonder so many of us are at a loss when dealing with loss. The right words can be such a salve for raw, unabating pain. So why is our biggest goal simply to fill up a note card or piece of stationery with enough words to get the whole exercise over with? The next time you put pen to paper to express your sympathy, focus on a simple story, recollection or a brief encounter, a loving or funny memory. You will find a grateful recipient at the final resting place of that correspondence.”

I don't know what to say

Linda and I were having coffee the other day, chatting about nothing in particular, when she burst into tears. “I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer,” she said. Taken by surprise, I hugged her and mumbled something that I hoped was meaningful. I felt ashamed that I could not say something more appropriate.

We are regularly faced with circumstances – sad, awkward, surprising, complex – and we just don’t know how to respond. Your friend is diagnosed with a serious illness. Your colleague is mourning the loss of someone close. Your sister is separating from her husband. What do you say? What comforting words or gestures will express the concern and empathy that you feel in your heart?

When someone we care about is hurting, our compassion compels us to reach out. Words can have a profound impact. They can reassure. They can console. They can comfort. They can raise spirits. They can make a difference.

But what are those words? Who hasn’t searched for the phrase that perfectly expresses our feelings, and ended up settling for ‘I don’t know what to say.’

What is the right thing to say? Do you have some special words that work for you? Has anyone ever said something to you in a time of crisis that was meaningful?

I am hoping that people will share their stories and advice on how to respond in troubled times.

What to say to someone who is grieving

It is difficult to find the right words to comfort a grief-stricken friend or co-worker. Some things we say with the best intentions can make a grieving friend feel worse. Grief counselor Marta Felber, M.Ed., author of "Grief Expressed: When a Mate Dies" and herself a widow, offers the following "Do's and Don'ts" for conversing with someone who is grieving.

• DON'T SAY: "I know how you feel." The person in grief may want to scream, "No, you don't! No one knows how badly I feel!"

• DO SAY: "I don't know how you feel, but I care about you and that you are hurting." In this way we validate their feelings.

• DON'T SAY: "Just call me if there is anything I can do." People in deep grief can't think straight or focus. They don't know what they need to do.

• DO SAY: "Can I get groceries for you or drive you somewhere you need to go?" It's much more useful to offer specific help. Other suggestions: Invite your friend to lunch or dinner, help her with medical or tax forms, or help her go through her loved one's belongings, but only when she is ready.

• DON'T SAY: "It will get better." Grieving people know this intellectually, but in their heart they may feel so lost and alone.

• DO SAY: "It must be so difficult for you. I am thinking about you, caring, loving you" (or whatever you can sincerely say). Remember to stay in the present, where the grieving person is.

• DON'T SAY: "Now, now don't cry." It hurts us to see them cry and makes us sad. But, by telling them not to cry, we are trying to take their grief away.

• DO SAY: "Go ahead and cry. It's okay. I'm here." Then sit quietly with them. Hold or touch them. If you feel like doing so, cry with them.

• DON'T SAY: "Your loved one is waiting for you over there," "God wanted him," "It was God's will," or "God knows best." Imagine how you would you feel about God after hearing such comments. Be very sensitive. Know the person's faith, and be in touch with your own.

• DO SAY: "Feel God's love," or "I will be praying for you," if you sincerely will do this.

Felber urges people to call, visit, send notes or little gifts, or to share activities with the grieving friend. This level of contact may be needed for months

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