Not again!!??

Yup - just found out another person I know has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Another incredibly fit and healthy woman. I called her immediately, but again as the phone was ringing I was thinking 'what do you say?' She answered before I could clearly formulate my thoughts.

"I just heard about your breast cancer," I said. "I want you to know that I know and that I am thinking about you."

Although it was news to me, she had already had surgery to remove her breasts. I asked how she was feeling. We talked about some of the decisions she had to make and the difficulty she was having making them. I told her about my friend Diana who had breast cancer a few years ago and undertook extensive research in order to clearly understand her options. Diana (who has fully recovered) has since become actively involved in breast cancer prevention and is an incredible source of information, comfort and optimism. I gave her Diana's phone number and encouraged her to use it. I hope she does.

Did I say the right thing? I certainly hope so. Did I do the right thing? Absolutely!

what do you say - before major surgery

My friend Margie had heart surgery last week and I went to visit her the day before the procedure. Another friend was just leaving and said, “Good luck tomorrow.” That struck me as an unusual thing to say. Luck should have nothing to do with medicine.

But then I wondered, what is the right thing to say to someone heading into major surgery?

Reflections from Cindi

It does bring to mind one personal story. My best friend in high school and university died of bone cancer in our third year university. She suffered for at least 18 months before that. She was most hurt when people who she considered friends just stopping talking to her because they were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. She and I talked about it a lot and we concluded that saying nothing is not a good plan. No matter how hard it is, its best to say something, anything! I've always remembered that and try and live up to it (of course, its not foolproof and you can imagine why!)

On the other hand, when my Dad passed away, the greatest comfort came from people who (sadly) had already lost a parent. They said little but were just "there" because they intuitively just knew there were no adequate words to describe the grief or adequately provide comfort.

Good for you Benita! You've made me think of things (with a smile) that I haven't thought of in awhile. I am sure the blog is not going to be all about sad events. I look forward to watching your blog.

Cindi

I don't know what to say

Linda and I were having coffee the other day, chatting about nothing in particular, when she burst into tears. “I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer,” she said. Taken by surprise, I hugged her and mumbled something that I hoped was meaningful. I felt ashamed that I could not say something more appropriate.

We are regularly faced with circumstances – sad, awkward, surprising, complex – and we just don’t know how to respond. Your friend is diagnosed with a serious illness. Your colleague is mourning the loss of someone close. Your sister is separating from her husband. What do you say? What comforting words or gestures will express the concern and empathy that you feel in your heart?

When someone we care about is hurting, our compassion compels us to reach out. Words can have a profound impact. They can reassure. They can console. They can comfort. They can raise spirits. They can make a difference.

But what are those words? Who hasn’t searched for the phrase that perfectly expresses our feelings, and ended up settling for ‘I don’t know what to say.’

What is the right thing to say? Do you have some special words that work for you? Has anyone ever said something to you in a time of crisis that was meaningful?

I am hoping that people will share their stories and advice on how to respond in troubled times.