Not again!!??

Yup - just found out another person I know has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Another incredibly fit and healthy woman. I called her immediately, but again as the phone was ringing I was thinking 'what do you say?' She answered before I could clearly formulate my thoughts.

"I just heard about your breast cancer," I said. "I want you to know that I know and that I am thinking about you."

Although it was news to me, she had already had surgery to remove her breasts. I asked how she was feeling. We talked about some of the decisions she had to make and the difficulty she was having making them. I told her about my friend Diana who had breast cancer a few years ago and undertook extensive research in order to clearly understand her options. Diana (who has fully recovered) has since become actively involved in breast cancer prevention and is an incredible source of information, comfort and optimism. I gave her Diana's phone number and encouraged her to use it. I hope she does.

Did I say the right thing? I certainly hope so. Did I do the right thing? Absolutely!

your friend tells you she is leaving her husband -- what do you say?

Readers Advice:

• This depends on the situation - ie was her husband cheating on her or abusing her or is she cheating on him? Generally I would say that regardless of why they split I am sorry for the relationship to be ending. What kind of support does she need from me - advice on getting a marriage counselor, babysitting, a good lawyer, support groups. I find in these situations you just have to make sure your friend knows that you are going to provide emotional support.

• ........it depends who does the separating?????? If the friend left a no goodnik..I would tell her mazel tov. If it was visa versa..... I would say....what a bummer...... let me know what I can do

• You let her talk. People in these circumstances just want to know that someone is listening. What you don't say is that you know how she is feeling, because even if you have been through something like this, you don't know how she is feeling.

• I'm so sorry to hear about your separation. I'm sure that this is not how you had envisioned your marriage.

did i say the right thing?

What an awful month August has been. My friend Rhoda was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her surgery is scheduled for the beginning of September. Out of the blue, my friend Pat’s husband of 28 years told her he didn’t love her anymore and he wanted a divorce. She was devastated. My friend Margie had heart surgery. Fortunately, the procedure went well and she is already out and about and leading a fairly normal life.

So, here I was faced with 3 different situations in which I wanted just the right comforting words or gestures that expressed the compassion and encouragement that I felt in my heart.

I thought about what people have said who have been through trauma and how meaningful it can be to just know that someone cares. I remembered Cindi’s comment on this blog about how people avoided her friend with terminal cancer because they were uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say.

I hugged Rhoda and listened. I call Pat regularly and listen. I try to make Margie laugh. I hope I’ve said and done the right thing.

what do you say - before major surgery

My friend Margie had heart surgery last week and I went to visit her the day before the procedure. Another friend was just leaving and said, “Good luck tomorrow.” That struck me as an unusual thing to say. Luck should have nothing to do with medicine.

But then I wondered, what is the right thing to say to someone heading into major surgery?

Reflections from Cindi

It does bring to mind one personal story. My best friend in high school and university died of bone cancer in our third year university. She suffered for at least 18 months before that. She was most hurt when people who she considered friends just stopping talking to her because they were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. She and I talked about it a lot and we concluded that saying nothing is not a good plan. No matter how hard it is, its best to say something, anything! I've always remembered that and try and live up to it (of course, its not foolproof and you can imagine why!)

On the other hand, when my Dad passed away, the greatest comfort came from people who (sadly) had already lost a parent. They said little but were just "there" because they intuitively just knew there were no adequate words to describe the grief or adequately provide comfort.

Good for you Benita! You've made me think of things (with a smile) that I haven't thought of in awhile. I am sure the blog is not going to be all about sad events. I look forward to watching your blog.

Cindi