when friends divorce

Friends of mine are getting divorced. It is a messy, angry, bitter, hostile, greedy situation. It feels awful watching them disintegrate. i like them both. I am trying to not take sides...I would like to remain friendly with both of them. Yesterday, she told me that I cannot stay neutral. I must choose between them. I'm not sure I can do that. Am I wrong? What can I say to make her understand?

your friend tells you she is leaving her husband -- what do you say?

Readers Advice:

• This depends on the situation - ie was her husband cheating on her or abusing her or is she cheating on him? Generally I would say that regardless of why they split I am sorry for the relationship to be ending. What kind of support does she need from me - advice on getting a marriage counselor, babysitting, a good lawyer, support groups. I find in these situations you just have to make sure your friend knows that you are going to provide emotional support.

• ........it depends who does the separating?????? If the friend left a no goodnik..I would tell her mazel tov. If it was visa versa..... I would say....what a bummer...... let me know what I can do

• You let her talk. People in these circumstances just want to know that someone is listening. What you don't say is that you know how she is feeling, because even if you have been through something like this, you don't know how she is feeling.

• I'm so sorry to hear about your separation. I'm sure that this is not how you had envisioned your marriage.

did i say the right thing?

What an awful month August has been. My friend Rhoda was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her surgery is scheduled for the beginning of September. Out of the blue, my friend Pat’s husband of 28 years told her he didn’t love her anymore and he wanted a divorce. She was devastated. My friend Margie had heart surgery. Fortunately, the procedure went well and she is already out and about and leading a fairly normal life.

So, here I was faced with 3 different situations in which I wanted just the right comforting words or gestures that expressed the compassion and encouragement that I felt in my heart.

I thought about what people have said who have been through trauma and how meaningful it can be to just know that someone cares. I remembered Cindi’s comment on this blog about how people avoided her friend with terminal cancer because they were uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say.

I hugged Rhoda and listened. I call Pat regularly and listen. I try to make Margie laugh. I hope I’ve said and done the right thing.

Your friend is dating/marrying a guy you really don't like. What do you say?

Readers advice:

• You say very little, until she dumps him. Then, when she tells you that he is a jerk, you agree and tell her that she was too good for him. If you tell her that while they are dating, you risk losing a friend. You don't want to lie, but sometimes it is best to not say how you are really feeling.
  
  
• SAY NOTHING!! I have been in this situation and as difficult as it has been, I have kept my mouth shut. In both cases I stayed close to my friends so that I could help when the marriage broke down (which it did).
  
  
• .....Are you sure about this one??!!
  

Reflections from Cindi

It does bring to mind one personal story. My best friend in high school and university died of bone cancer in our third year university. She suffered for at least 18 months before that. She was most hurt when people who she considered friends just stopping talking to her because they were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. She and I talked about it a lot and we concluded that saying nothing is not a good plan. No matter how hard it is, its best to say something, anything! I've always remembered that and try and live up to it (of course, its not foolproof and you can imagine why!)

On the other hand, when my Dad passed away, the greatest comfort came from people who (sadly) had already lost a parent. They said little but were just "there" because they intuitively just knew there were no adequate words to describe the grief or adequately provide comfort.

Good for you Benita! You've made me think of things (with a smile) that I haven't thought of in awhile. I am sure the blog is not going to be all about sad events. I look forward to watching your blog.

Cindi

I don't know what to say

Linda and I were having coffee the other day, chatting about nothing in particular, when she burst into tears. “I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer,” she said. Taken by surprise, I hugged her and mumbled something that I hoped was meaningful. I felt ashamed that I could not say something more appropriate.

We are regularly faced with circumstances – sad, awkward, surprising, complex – and we just don’t know how to respond. Your friend is diagnosed with a serious illness. Your colleague is mourning the loss of someone close. Your sister is separating from her husband. What do you say? What comforting words or gestures will express the concern and empathy that you feel in your heart?

When someone we care about is hurting, our compassion compels us to reach out. Words can have a profound impact. They can reassure. They can console. They can comfort. They can raise spirits. They can make a difference.

But what are those words? Who hasn’t searched for the phrase that perfectly expresses our feelings, and ended up settling for ‘I don’t know what to say.’

What is the right thing to say? Do you have some special words that work for you? Has anyone ever said something to you in a time of crisis that was meaningful?

I am hoping that people will share their stories and advice on how to respond in troubled times.